Cell Block Tango
by thorsgirl
Summary: (one-shot) What do you get when you stick a bunch of Harry Potter housewives together for an afternoon of fun? The “Cell Block Tango” is what. rated for light language.


What do you get when you stick a bunch of Harry Potter housewives together for an afternoon of fun? The "Cell Block Tango," is what.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. Not "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago or anything Harry Potter (ish) and what-not.

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Cell Block Tango 

**All: **He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it. I betcha you would've done the same!

**Hermione: **You know how people have these little habits that get ya down? Like… _Harry._ Harry like to chew gum. No, not chew. (She wiggled her eyebrows.) _Pop._ So I come home this one day – I'm an Auror- and I'm really irritated and I'm lookin' for a little bit of sympathy. And there's Harry, lying on the couch and chewin'. No, not chewin'. **Poppin'!** So I said to him – I said, 'You pop that gum one more time…' (Here she sighed and pretended to wipe her eyes.) And he did. So I took my wand out of my sleeve and let off two warning curses. In. To. His. Head.

**Ginny: **I met Draco Malfoy after I got out of school about 2 years ago. And he told me he was single. (She giggled.) And we hit it off right away. So we started living together. We'd both go to work and come home. Since I got home first, I'd fix him a goblet of firewhiskey and we'd have dinner. Then I found out – single, he told me? Single, my arse. Not only was her married, oh no. (She glared at a spot on the living room wall.) He had six wives. Damned Malfoy genetics – it's hereditary. So that night when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink as usual. (Here she did a smirk scarily similar to that of Malfoy.) Ya know, some guys just can't hold their **_arsenic_**.

**Pansy: **Now I'm standing in the kitchen, carving the chicken for dinner (she stabbed the air with an imaginary knife), minding my own business. In storms my husband, Blaise, in a jealous rage. 'You been screwing the milkman,' he says. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, 'You been screwing the milkman!' And then he ran into my knife… he ran into my knife 10 times.

**Ginny: **But… were you screwing the milkman? (Pansy gave her a look that shut her up.)

**Hermione: **Obviously she wasn't, Gin, or she wouldn't have stabbed him.

**Pansy: **ahem

**Hermione: **Oops, I forgot. She's a Slytherin.

**Pansy: **What's that supposed to mean?

**Hermione: **You would've taken him out sooner or later! (Seeing Pansy's glare, she quickly added to that.) I'm just joking, Pansy.

**All: **If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it! I betcha you would've done the same

**Padma: **My sister, Parvati, and I had this double act, and my husband, Terry, traveled around with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, splits, spread eagles, backlips, flip flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the hotel in Hogsmeade, the three of us. Boozin, having a few laughs… and we run out of ice. So, I go out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Parvati and Terry, doing number 17… _the spread eagle_. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing! It wasn't until later – when I was washing the blood off my hands – I even knew they were dead.

**Luna: **I loved Ron Weasley more than I could possibly say. He was a real artistic guy. Sensitive. A painter. (All the women laughed and Ginny snorted. "My brother? Sensitive? A painter?! … Must've been nude pictures or something!" Luna hit her) But he was always trying to find himself. ("That sounds more like Ron," Ginny said. Luna glared at her. "Would you let me finish the damn story?!" "Sorry.") Anyway, as I was saying. He'd go out every night looking for himself and on the way… he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary… and Irving. I guess you could say-

Ron barged into the room. "Irving? What the hell!"

Draco walked over to Ginny (who turned off the music) and looked at Ron. "Is there something you need to tell us, Weasley?"

"I'm NOT GAY!"

Harry sighed, relieved. "Glad to know it, mate!" He clutched his chest, laughing.

Ron huffed and turned around. "Luna, will you marry me?" In his hand he held a ring. Luna blinked her widened eyes and nodded.

"What a way to ask a girl," Pansy muttered to Hermione, who merely nodded. "Where's Blaise and Terry?"

"In the hall videotaping the whole thing," Harry answered.

* * *

Draco turned off the muggle VCR. Ginny turned to the group of friends that gathered at her house (her and Draco's) every Christmas Eve to watch the tape that the guys managed to get. "You know, Draco, I'm glad you didn't propose to me like that. Or I might really have to do you in." Draco gulped and laughed nervously. 

"Nope… never, dear."

Blaise chuckled. "What a pansy."

Pansy glared at him. "What was that, _sweetie_?"

"Nothing, love."

"Thought so."

"Like you're one to talk," Harry admonished, as Hermione lightly hit him.


End file.
